The most common pitfall for relationships and what to do about it

I often get asked by couples about the most common pitfalls for relationships. And most already are rehearsing an answer in their mind by the time they are asking it: “it’s conflict and lack of communication, right?”

Wrong.

One of the first things they ever taught us in grad school, is that most relationships actually die out of neglect. I’ll repeat that. Most relationships die out of neglect.

Not out of conflict. Not out of a lack of communication. Or even a lack of romantic spark. Those things are often symptoms of the neglect.

Common pitfalls in relationships

Most couples that I see for therapy will often present with these problems (irresolvable conflict, lack of communication, etc.), and it’s often where we begin. On the outside, these problems often present themselves as the reason why a relationship is failing, but the reality is, the relationship began falling apart way before that.

It began when work started to take precedence over the relationship. When minor conflicts were glossed over for the sake of harmony. When small things like dinner together, and a warm embrace after coming home from work were looked past, because life got busy and the urgent often takes over the important.

And we often don’t notice these when they happen as they happen. But it is often the case, that after many years of this, that unresolvable conflict begins to take place. That resentment begins to build. That communication becomes very difficult. That we fall out of love and no longer feel a connection with our loved ones.

Those symptoms seem like the culprit, (we may thing that our relationship is ending because of irresolvable conflict) but in reality, the relationship began dying way before that. The relationship started dying out of neglect.

How to avoid the pitfall of neglect

So that bring us to the “what do we do about it” question.

While most relationships that end die out of neglect, most relationships that work, work out because of intentionality. If neglect is the culprit, intentionality is the hero.

Relationships that work, need some work. Not “hard work” (I am not a fan of the very popular statement “marriage is hard work”) but intentional work.

Relationships are not meant to be hard. Some aspects of life are hard. And some seasons are harder than others. But with your loved one, hard aspects of life become manageable. Relationships are meant to be a comfort for us from the things that are hard in life.

By choosing to show up intentionally in your relationship, you are protecting it from the thing that most relationships die out of.

Intentionality looks different for different relationships.

Perhaps you can establish a ritual of checking in every week about how things are going. Or perhaps you can be more intentional with leaning in to your partner’s bids of connection.

Or maybe you already have established ways of connecting to one another that have fallen through the cracks over time, and may benefit from being rekindled.

Whichever it is, I invite you to put intentionality at the forefront of your relationship, and schedule in the things that continue to enhance your relationship. And embrace the spontaneous moments too, as they will offer themselves.