5 weekly relationship check-in questions-inspired by Gottman

Decades of research on couples’ relationships show that the “masters” of relationships have established rituals of connection that they participate in regularly. These are set times throughout the day, week, or month in which the couple will take time out to attend to their relationship.

Some of these rituals are infused in natural, every day occurrences. Examples of this include: coming together at mealtimes or an affectionate greeting after coming back home from work.

Others, are more intentional, and designed to enhance one’s relationship with their partner. Examples of this include: a weekly date night, an annual vacation, or a relationship check-in meeting. In this post, I’ll be talking about why it’s important to establish a weekly check-in in your relationship, and offer a template of 5 questions to ask at your weekly check-in.

Why is it important to have a weekly check-in?

Research shows that most relationships die out of neglect. Although this is unfortunate, it only stresses the importance of intentionality in maintaining long term relationships.

Although natural rituals like the ones mentioned above are important, it is also just as important to have time set aside where you check in about your relationship. I recommend that couples engage in this on a weekly basis, to avoid the build-up that often leads to explosive fights or resentment. It also offers space to “edit” and intentionally design a better relationship, week by week.

The 5 weekly check-in questions to ask at your weekly meeting:

1.What was something I did this week that made you feel loved or appreciated?

It is always important to start with gratitude. By focusing on the things that went well, you shine a light on them, and help them expand to fill up more space in your relationship.

2.What’s going well for you right now?What stressed you out this week?

I put these two questions in one because they go hand in hand. Our inner worlds are constantly growing and expanding, and so should our knowledge about our significant other’s world. By taking the time to ask, you are updating what you know, as well as reminding them that you care about them and what is important to them.

3.Was there anything left unsaid that you’d like to circle back to? (Positive or negative)

In the busyness of our everyday lives, there are moments that are often left hanging between us. This might have been a moment of frustration, or a conversation unfinished. It is important to circle back to those moments and resolve them. And when you do, make sure that you are circle back to them, without getting back into them. If you find yourself getting back into a moment, try taking a deep breath before resuming the conversation. If it feels overwhelming, consider putting the issue on pause to come back to at a later time.

4.What was your favorite moment together this week?

Sometimes the smallest moments can mean the world to our significant other. Those moments that we thought were normal and went unnoticed. You will often be surprised by the smallest things that meant the most to your significant other.

5.What can I do next week to make you feel more loved? 

A meaningful relationship is one that is built by intention, not by accident. By continuing to pay attention to the small adjustments you can make along the way, you are crafting the meaningful relationship you dreamed of, week by week.