Bids for connection: a small, but powerful tool in relationships

I once worked with a couple who I met with over their lunch hour. We had our special zoom meeting that we logged into, I from my office, and they from their own individual work offices, as they worked at two different jobs.

Sometimes they would login before I did, and it often surprised me, when I would login and find them in the midst of a conversation.

Not conversation over anything important, but simple things like “the weather is nice today”, which the husband would respond with, “oh yea? You do like the rain, don’t you?” And she could say the same thing about a sunny day the next week, which he would respond with, “oh yea? You like sunny days, don’t you?”

This was one of this couple’s strengths. I don’t really think they were discussing the weather, or the types of weather that they preferred. At the core, I think she was offering a bid of connection, and he almost always turned towards her bids of connection. She did the same for his offering of bids of connection.

Relationship experts refers to this concept as building the "Emotional Bank Account" in the relationship. In simple terms, how often do you turn towards everyday moments of connection?

Examples of every day moments of connection (or bids of connection, as the Gottmans define it) could include talks about the weather, a comment about the news, a smile, or a cup of tea made for the other person. It’s a jesture, often small, attempting to get the other person’s attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.

Turning toward bids for connection means acknowledging and responding to your partner's attempts to connect with you, whether it be through a gesture, a word, or a physical touch. This requires being present and attentive in the moment, and actively seeking to turn towards your partner.

In contrast, turning away from bids of connection involves ignoring, dismissing, or even rejecting your partner's attempts to connect with you. The Gottmans have a really good list of examples in this article.

After years of couples research, The Gottmans found that the masters of relationships turn towards each other’s bids of connections 86% of the time on average. Couples that divorced, they found, only averaged 33%.

The couple I shared about earlier, they had their fair share of conflict, resentment, and past hurts that they were working on resolving. But when it came to bids of connection, I’ve often seen them turn towards one another with them. And ultimately, I do think it’s what kept them together during their darkest seasons of their relationship.  

In their couples training, the Gottmans reference the film "Sliding Doors". It’s a film about how small choices can hugely affect the course of a couple's life. Life is full of these "sliding door" moments, which are opportunities to turn toward one's partner. How might you turn towards these moments?